


Boxed Wine

by EmeraldRoseQuartz



Series: The Epicurean Adventures of Rose [1]
Category: Caffiend, Jaguar "British Villains" Commercial, Loki - Fandom, Loki and Nora's Infinity Stone Playlist, Misreall, The Reluctant Bride, Thomas Pine - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: 2014 Artesa Pinot Noir, 2015 Chateau Petrus, Counterfeiting, Duck Confit, Epicurian, F/M, Fluff, Funny, Kidnapping, London, Luxury, Manolo Blahniks, Other, Spies & Secret Agents, The Lanesborough, Wine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-09-01 00:59:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20249536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldRoseQuartz/pseuds/EmeraldRoseQuartz
Summary: There's a new kind of agent on the blanc - and she won't take gnocchi for an answer. Introducing the world's foremost epicurean crusader with a taste for danger.





	Boxed Wine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Caffiend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiend/gifts), [misreall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misreall/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Reluctant Bride](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13843938) by [Caffiend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiend/pseuds/Caffiend). 

> It's a fanfic crossover event of a lifetime! Honestly, this is a love letter to Caffiend and Misreall and the amazing worlds and characters they have created in the Tom Hiddleston fandom. I don't want to give too much away, but this one-shot started because of a joke between Caffiend and I about her work "The Reluctant Bride," specifically Chapter 48 - "Twelve Hours." Check the comments there for more insight. :)
> 
> This story, while it's super fun, is even more fun if you've read "Loki and Nora's Infinity Stone Playlist" by misreall and "The Reluctant Bride" by Caffiend first. And it references characters from "My Lovely Doll" and "Jaguar Villains - Thomas and Maura" by Caffiend. Regardless of what brought you here, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> "The Reluctant Bride" by Caffiend - https://archiveofourown.org/works/13843938/chapters/31839798  
"Loki and Nora's Infinity Stone Playlist" - https://archiveofourown.org/series/520786

Thomas reached for the wine glass as it passed by on the waiter's tray. He was distracted...there were too many variables, too many openings. He continued to keep the conversation going with the men around him, smiling in that way that didn't reach his eyes. Cordial, perfectly charming...but beneath the mask of calm his mind was racing.

Where had Lauren gone? They'd entered together, but she got pulled away so quickly and unexpectedly...he should have known, should have prepared for that. Never mind that now - he hazarded a glance behind him, and caught just the flick of a green dress that appeared to be exactly the color of the one Lauren wore today. Grabbing the glass from the tray, he politely excused himself from the group and quickly beelined in pursuit.

Slowly rounding the corner, his cerulean eyes flashed across the room, barely seeing the glimmer of the emerald hem before she escaped through a doorway. Thomas pushed his way through the crowd and managed to get into the room - it was dark other than the light coming from the door. He felt around the wall, and quickly found the light switch. But when he turned the light on…

The gun was pointed straight between his eyes, and the woman at the other end was smirking at him. "Get in here, close the door." Her voice was soft and deep, but the edge of menace could not be missed.

Thomas steadily held the glass of wine as he kept his eyes locked on hers and complied with her request. "Are you Thomas Pine?" she asked, almost smugly. Before he answered, he looked her over - the dress was the same color, but not the same dress. The woman had long dark hair, almost black, but hints of brown could be seen in the light. And her vibrant blue eyes bored back into him.

"Yes," answered Thomas.

"Do you know what is in your hand?"

Thomas was...genuinely confused. That was not where he expected this line of questioning to go. He turned slightly to look at the glass of wine. "This? It's wine, I got it at the party."

"Do you KNOW what is in your HAND?" the woman growled again. Thomas remained silent. It was very possible the person he was dealing with was not of sound mind.

She huffed. "THAT is...BOXED WINE!"

Thomas' eyes went wide with dread. Boxed wine?! Here?! He immediately dropped the glass and jumped away, as though he had just been holding acid and didn't want it to get on his Manolo Blahniks. This was the Lanesborough...how on EARTH had he been served boxed wine?! If he had missed that...Lauren might be in more danger than he imagined. He looked up at the woman again, eyebrows peaked in anxiety for the briefest of moments, then back to the mess on the floor. Slowly, he forced himself to control his breathing and addressed the woman before he gaze traveled up her body. "Who are you?"

"I'm Rose," she said, winking and holstering the gun to her thigh. "And now that I hope you can trust me, we need to go get your wife."

Thomas’ eyes instantly turned polar and he locked onto Rose with a glare that would have intimidated a biker gang. “What do you know about Lauren? Where is she?”

Rose, nonplussed by his unnecessary, albeit impressive, threat, simply responded with a haughty smirk. “Calm down, Pine. We’re on the same team here. I’m working for Le Boucher.” She strolled over to a desk and opened a laptop, while Thomas focused on her every move, suspicious, taking in as much information as he could as quickly as possible.

She was obviously an agent of some kind - or a former agent, if she was working for Boucher. No one had gotten him alone with a gun to his head since he was much younger and less experienced, but it had been almost effortless for her. And she was objectively gorgeous; even the harsh light of the open bulb in the supply closet she had pulled him into couldn’t disguise the fine shape of her legs or the sensuous shadows cast by those sharp cheekbones. She could have just stepped out of a photo shoot for the cover of Vogue.

Even her body was stunning, and she moved with the grace of a trained dancer, that solid muscular control obvious in each step and bend. And-

“Pine?”

Thomas blinked and stopped. He had let his thoughts run away with him, but the only indication that she’d noticed was a distracted side-smile. She clicked a final button on the computer, stood up, and presented it to him  á la Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune. “Take a look.”

On the screen, Thomas saw grainy black-and-white footage of Lauren sitting in what looked like one of the less expensive rooms the hotel offered, with a queen size bed taking up most of the space. She sat primly on the edge of the floral bedspread, and it took a moment with the blurry image for Thomas to see that her wrists and ankles had been tied. She was facing two men, one of whom seemed especially rotund and red-faced, while the other was taller and more muscled. But her face...he knew that look intimately - when she was afraid but staying strong in spite of the danger because...she knew it would be ok. That look of absolute trust that he would take care of her. A swell of pride built in Thomas’ chest. He had trained her so, so well, his beautiful treasure.

“Where is this?” he asked severely. “How did you get video feed into this room?”

“This is about three floors up from here. And I got video feed into the room because I installed it myself a few hours ago.”

Thomas turned to her incredulously. “You knew they were going to kidnap her?”

“Of course. In fact, I was counting on it.” Rose felt another giddy rush at Thomas’ repeat expression of incredulity. She knew she shouldn’t keep pushing him like this...Pine had a reputation for ruthlessness, but she couldn’t help goading someone when she knew something they didn’t,  _ especially  _ someone like the Number One of Jaguar Holdings. But when his curiosity and anxiety chilled to fury at her smug hesitation to continue, she considered that she maybe should her rethink her approach, and rather quickly at that.

He began to loom over her threateningly, and Rose put her hands up and gave him a guilty laugh and the most charming, wide-eyed smile she could muster. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry. I’ll just tell you. OK?”

Thomas stopped but he continued to glare with those icy blue eyes that made Rose both terrified and  _ incredibly  _ aroused, but she knew it wasn’t the time to admit the latter.

“Be quick,” he snapped.

Rose took a deep breath to calm her nerves and steady her voice. “I’m managing some of Monsieur Boucher’s luxury assets, in particular his epicurean interests - rare foods, delicacies, cheeses, truffles, and-” she looked at the spill on the ground. “Wine, especially. He has quite a collection of unique and expensive bottles from around the world, valued at over 6 million euros last time we did inventory for insurance...or it was, until I noticed some discrepancies on the labels of several of the most rare vintages. It turns out that he and many other ultra-premium wine collectors had been given millions of dollars worth of fake product - and the counterfeiters have been funding extremists in Provence near the premium vineyards so whoever-is-the-ringleader-of -this-operation can purchase the land at well below market value. That’s why the wine you got here was-” Rose shuddered involuntarily at having to say it again. “-BOXED wine, and not the 2015 Château Pétrus the waitstaff thought they were serving.”

“What does this have to do with LAUREN?” Thomas was almost at his limit for patience with this absurd American. She was a litany of contradictions - a food and wine expert, a spy, an agent, an asset manager, possibly a dancer,  _ definitely _ skilled in seduction...and this was everything he had learned in the span of just a few minutes. All of her distracting personality traits kept him from the information he needed NOW.

Rose grinned and stood a bit taller. “They took her to get to you, thinking that putting you and Boucher at odds would take the heat off of them, let them slip back into hiding. But-” Rose actually did laugh, and had hoped that Thomas might lighten up a little bit too. “Thomas, you should SEE how sloppy their work was - it was almost FUNNY watching them drop leads and forget to clear their browser histories or encrypt their messages. They are complete amateurs - they didn’t do ANY research on Lauren before picking her as the target - all they know is she’s some young blond who married a rich CEO who works with  Monsieur Boucher . They have no IDEA what she’s capable of!”

Thomas was confused again. What  _ she _ was capable of? Lauren had certainly been exposed to her share of violence and danger, but she wasn’t what Thomas would consider  _ capable _ of fending for herself against two armed men. “What are you TALKING about, Rose?”

Rose resisted the urge to roll her eyes, then walked past Thomas. “They thought they were going to intimidate her into doing a video telling you that Monsieur Boucher had her kidnapped. But instead…” She hit another button on the laptop. Thomas could Lauren’s voice clearly coming through the computer speakers.

“-bunch of fucking idiots. You guys are SO SCREWED! What, you think tying me up is going to scare me? I already KNOW you won’t shoot me because then I can’t do your stupid video!” The tall man then walked forward and slapped her, but he did it so hesitatingly that it looked like he barely touched her at all. Lauren went silent from shock, but the look on her face as he stepped away was pure, gleeful fury. 

“Now you listen, you little-” the man started to say, but an almost manic laugh burst from Lauren before he could continue.

“You HIT ME!? You just wait until Thomas gets here, he’s going to KILL you!”

The red-faced man moved in. “Lady, you better shut your mouth before-” but Lauren turned and  _ spit on him _ .

“Oh what, you’ll have your friend here tickle me again? Who the hell do you think you are? Do you have ANY idea what kind of unholy hellfire you’ve just brought on yourselves?”

A ravenous aphrodisia exploded from Thomas’ very being as he approached the screen again and saw his brave, amazing wife - tied up, threatened, and alone - keeping the men at bay with her words and ferocity alone. These weren’t the merciless killers they had faced in the past, not by a long shot. They didn’t even have the good sense to gag her...the pathetic fools.

Rose leaned over and whispered in Thomas' ear. “Wine thugs aren’t nearly as bad as weapons dealers or sex traffickers. So let’s go have a little fun, shall we?”

Thomas broke his transfixed gaze away from the screen and turned to his new ally, a menacing grin parting his lips over those unfairly perfect white teeth.

“Oh yes,” he growled. “Lead the way.”

___

The hinges of the hotel room door burst in and the wooden barrier flew to the ground. Thomas and Rose both regained their footing as they surveyed the room, and the two kidnappers jumped back and into each other, stumbling and falling to the floor. Lauren’s head snapped over and, upon seeing her husband, broke into a look of unbridled joy so pure it almost melted Thomas right there.

“Hello, Darling,” he said as he went to her, kneeling so their faces were level. “Are these men giving you trouble?”

“Hardly,” she smiled and leaned forward, kissing him sweetly as he began to untie her wrists. Rose continued past them and stood over the two lackeys who were scrambling to try and get away from her, and a bright, sarcastic smile spread across her lips. “Gentlemen, Le Boucher sends his regards,” she smirked.

With that she sprayed them with something that looked like pepper spray, but instead of screaming in pain, the men immediately fell asleep. Rose set about tying them up with their own rope, but very much listening in to what Thomas and Lauren were saying.

“What happened to you?” he said softly, caressing the cheek that her assailant had slapped just a few minutes ago. It was just the slightest shade of pink darker than the other.

“As soon as we walked in the door, some woman grabbed my arm - I thought it was one of the Corporation wives, but then she threw me into an elevator with those two goons and they brought me here and tied me up. I didn’t know how dangerous they were until they opened their mouths...then I knew I’d be fine, but I was already tied up at that point.” She sighed and rested her forehead on his, closing her eyes and enjoying the feel of him. “Besides, I knew you’d tear down this entire hotel to find me. It was just a matter of waiting for you to get here.”

“I’d tear down all of London to find you, my love,” Thomas said gently and kissed her cheek softly. 

Lauren broke herself out of her happy moment to address the mystery woman who was finishing up with her former captors. “And who are you? Nice dress, by the way.”

Rose smiled and walked up to Lauren, extending her hand by way of introduction. “I’m Rose. I work for Monsieur Boucher. It’s really a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Pine. I’ve heard so many wonderful stories about you.”

Lauren and Rose’s eyes met, and somehow they both instantly felt a kinship, a trust born from something intangible, like they had known each other some other time long ago.

“This is...really strange. Do I know you from somewhere?” Lauren’s eyes narrowed, trying to recall where she may have met this beautiful woman before, but she just couldn’t put her finger on it.

Rose just smiled, maybe with a tinge of sadness. “No, we’ve never met before.”

The leaden silence extended for just a bit too long for comfort before Thomas interrupted. “Rose, what will happen to them?”

Rose snapped herself out of it and brought the confident smile back quickly, hoping to brush off the awkward moment. “I’ll take care of them. I have a team on the way, and I’ve SO been looking forward to interrogating these idiots. We’ll take them to Monsieur Boucher’s...um...let’s call it a ‘vacation home.’”

With another soft laugh, she began pulling the desk chair to the corner of the room and set about removing the bugs she had installed earlier. “You two should go, enjoy the party, relax!” she said, but before she stood on the chair, a thoughtful and mischievous look crossed her face as she regarded her own outfit. She snapped her fingers, and suddenly the green dress shimmered in a golden mist; a second later, she wore a hotel housekeepers uniform, her hair up in a ponytail instead of perfectly styled as it had been before, She swallowed another giggle when she got the reactions she'd expected from Thomas and Lauren.

“Neat trick, right?” Rose grinned, and she lifted herself onto the chair, now wearing flat (and much less dangerous) shoes.

“How did you-“ Lauren started, but Rose turned to her quickly and cut her off.

“Now now, we just met. I can’t be giving you ALL my secrets right away,” she winked as she continued removing the spyware skillfully. “But if you want to know more, I might suggest you look up a very talented consultant in Chicago who deals in...unorthodox artifacts. I’m sure with your resources you should have no trouble finding him, Thomas. And his wife is just lovely! You all would get along so nicely, I just know it.”

Rose finished pulling the spyware from the light socket and she jumped down off the chair, pulling it back into its original spot.

“OK. Now we just have to wait for- oh here they are.”

From the hallway, three men dressed in hotel maintenance uniforms entered the room. After a quick nod of acknowledgement from Rose, one began repairing the door, while the two others wheeled in a large laundry cart and started lifting the unconscious assailants into it.

Lauren just stared in awe and held Thomas’ hand as the team quickly went about their work, the general air of confusion that seemed to emanate from this unusual woman now affecting her as much as it had her husband. Almost instantly, the room was back to how it had been before their intrusion, and the men were nowhere to be seen.

Rose walked up to the couple, smiling, and they stood as she approached.

“Well thanks for your help today,” she said warmly. “My ride is here, but it’s been a pleasure meeting you both. I hope our paths cross again soon!”

With another snap of her fingers, she reverted back to her cocktail attire, but this time the dress was red and her hair was blond. She gave them one last wink, then strolled out the door. 

It only took Thomas four steps to get to the entryway, but by the time he looked down the hallway, she was gone.

“What the HELL?!“ Lauren stuttered, “That blond lady she turned into- that’s who threw me in the elevator!” Lauren stared incredulously at the empty doorway, but Thomas was trying to process the strange turn of events led to their involvement with this woman. All he could do was shake his head and consider what he’d seen.

“It looks like we may need to plan a trip to Chicago in the very near future,” he growled. “AFTER I have a long talk with Boucher...”

——-

“Why do you take so long, lazy girl?”

Baba Yaga glared at Rose from the driver seat of the gigantic vehicle. Even Truck seemed perturbed by the wait, and it sputtered unappreciatively as she approached.

“Take so long?! I was in and out of there in no time flat. I could have reappeared five seconds after leaving and you’d still complain about me being late, you old coot.”

“You’ve kept Truck waiting,” Baba retorted, seemingly ignoring Rose’s insult. “He’s hungry - you forgot to feed him before we left. It’s a long drive.”

Rose went to the passenger side and opened the door, relieved that Truck still bent down to help her in. At least he wasn’t  _ that _ mad at her.

“I didn’t forget! HE refused to eat the three-day-old leftover borscht you made and I didn’t have time to make him anything else. Not my fault he’s a picky eater.”

“ALL your fault he’s a picky eater! Borscht used to be fine, but now? He eats nothing but your cooking. You’ve spoiled him.” B.Y. narrowed her eyes at her young protege, but Rose simply responded with a confident smirk. With a huff, Baba Yaga growled, “It’s a good thing I like you. And you cook well.”

“Yes. It is, isn’t it?” Rose snarked as her elderly mentor grumbled and started the vehicle, putting it in gear. Rose and B.Y. pulled out of the parking garage onto the busy street, and they drove in silence for several awkward seconds until Rose finally burst out:

“And my mission was a complete success, by the way, thank you so much for asking. Once our…’guests’ have been delivered to Monsieur Boucher, we should get the money wired to the account by tomorrow. Then, you and Truck can eat whatever gourmet foods you want.”

Baba Yaga mumbled something under her breath about money being stupid, but Rose knew the cantankerous old woman wouldn't complain once she'd cooked her a meal. The only thing she could be sure of was that the fabulous cuisines she’d introduced to the hag kept her in a state of begrudging anticipation for what culinary delight Rose would present to her next - bright spots in the witch’s apparently dull immortal life.

“Speaking of food,” Rose continued. “What do you want for dinner tonight? Maybe...duck confit with a 2014 Artesa Pinot Noir? Or I could make that Beef Wellington you enjoyed last time we were in London, when we met with...oh, who was it that time? Maura? Or was that Isobel?”

“Who knows?” B.Y. shrugged, keeping her eyes in front of her as Truck began to drive directly over the calm waters of the English Channel. “I can’t keep them all straight anymore. Too many people to keep track of. I’m too old for all this running around, that’s why you’re here.”

“That, and my shining personality,” Rose lilted sarcastically.

“Perhaps in spite of that,” Baba Yaga countered. “You’re lucky I saw that your talents were being wasted in that whorehouse - you are too gifted for mere sex work, and too useful to remain in that depressing timeline you came from.”

Rose was uncharacteristically quiet for a beat, the memory of her life in Corporation brothel suddenly bubbling up uncontrollably. She didn't often think back on those times, and she was surprised by the power of the anger, sadness, and nostalgia that hit her at Baba Yaga’s words. Back when things were simpler, before magic and alternate universes and time travel and shapeshifting. Simpler, but certainly not as exciting or interesting. She would never trade her new life for her old one, but there were still things she missed…

“What, I finally got you to shut up?” B.Y. said teasingly, feeling only somewhat guilty for inadvertently striking that nerve. “I’ll remember that next time you start rambling again. We’ll be home soon, little one. Then you can cook for me. I want the truffled porkchops with those mashed potatoes you made in Slovakia. And make enough for Truck, or he might not let you ride in the cab next time we go out, and I’ll have to tie you to the roof.”

Rose laughed off her melancholy at the old woman's remark. Despite her constant grouchiness, B.Y. really was a great person to have around, and Rose still considered her the closest thing to a friend she’d ever had. She put her hand on Baba Yaga's shoulder appreciatively as they finished their journey to the drop off point. Truck slowed to a stop in front of a dark building - though to them the trip was only a few minutes, hours had passed outside their vehicle, and it was the dead of night in Provence, France.

“Thank you, Baba Yaga. For everything,” Rose said softly as she opened the door to unload their unconscious cargo, smiling back at her wayward savior.

“Baaah,” the old woman grinned, waving her hand dismissively. “Go finish your task. Then we eat.”

As Rose went around the back of Truck, B.Y. sat back and smiled to herself. She was a good girl - one of the best she’d had in her service. Perhaps it  _ was _ time to start considering retirement...

**Author's Note:**

> Fun facts!
> 
> Here's the room that they found Lauren in at the Lanesborough, called "The Superior Room," which is the cheapest room this ultra-luxury hotel offers at £615/night:  
https://www.oetkercollection.com/hotels/the-lanesborough/rooms-suites/rooms/superior-room/
> 
> The "counterfeit wine scandal" is based on an actual thing that happened! It's explained in the documentary "Sour Grapes" on Netflix, but you can get a decent summary of events here:  
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sour_Grapes_(2016_film)
> 
> Finally, you may have noticed, I'm a big wine nerd. If you're interested in the wines I mentioned, you can learn more about them here:  
Chateau Petrus - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ch%C3%A2teau_P%C3%A9trus  
Artesa Winery - https://www.artesawinery.com/
> 
> Anyway, that's it! Hope you liked my silly little intrusion into these characters' universes. Maybe we'll see more of Rose in the future - who knows?


End file.
